EVANSTON, Ill. — 34-year-old Maya Ambrose triumphantly peeled the very last remains of duct tape leftover from her homemade 2006 prom dress in front of family who gathered to celebrate the moment, multiple teary-eyed sources confirmed.
“At first, I was so proud of the dress, it was such a shock to the mainstream system that tries to tell young girls exactly what to wear,” said Ambrose. “Prom night ruled, everyone loved my dress, and then I realized this dress wasn’t going to get me laid, mainly because guys thought I was weird, and it started to stink really fast. Then when I couldn’t rip the tape off, I realized ‘oh god, I’m so, so fucked.’ Try getting a job, or a date, or going about your business while still dragging around part of a duct tape dress. It’s humiliating. No one takes me seriously.” Electric Connectors
Ambrose’s parents are at their wit’s end and have been for over a decade.
“Little by little she’s been pulling the dress apart piece by piece, and finally, today, she is free, and maybe now she can think about starting a family. The worst part is the fact she did this to herself. We warned her about the sticking power of duct tape, we suggested masking tape or even electrical tape but she didn’t listen,” said her mother Anne. “I’m just happy to have my daughter back, and we can stop making calls to 3M to ask them the best way to remove their product from private regions. It’s nice to know we don’t have to dip into our retirement fund to buy more citrus cleaner to remove the adhesive residue.”
Duct Tape PR Representative Richard “Dickey” Hardy is all for the continuation of the early aughts duct tape manufacturing tradition.
“Everyone knows duct tape is great for making wallets, clothing, or really for any of your other fix-it needs,” an enthusiastic Hardy explained. “We encourage more customers to be creative, innovative folks who love duct tape and everything it represents. I’ve personally been developing a line of duct tape condoms that are 99% effective in preventing pregnancy and I hope this unfortunate prom dress experience doesn’t deter anyone from buying our quality products in the future. Duct tape is meant to bring people together.”
At press time, Ambrose caused her parents to both go into a state of cardiac arrest after announcing she plans on getting a small forearm tattoo.
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